Here it is… FINALLY. T- 6 days.
It doesn’t make any sense that I’m more nervous this year than last year, but this world is full of nonsense, am I right?
It’s comforting that I know what to expect in some aspects: I know the layout of the hospital, the housing, what kinds of things are involved with therapy, and there will be some familiar faces. However, the most stressful thing by far is not knowing exactly how long we’ll be there, if I’ll have the same discharge dates from both programs (doubtful), or if we’ll have to relocate to a hotel at some point during our stay. If you’re confused about everything I just said, go read: You can’t always get what you want.
If I had all that information I’d feel BETTER, but still anxious. I will freely admit, I don’t feel as ready this year as I did last. From January to April of last year, I enrolled myself in Katy’s Boot Camp. I committed to a set routine of exercises and stuck to it leading up to Shepherd. After coming home in late May, the year went by as fast as a game as dominoes and it seemed like one setback after the next: a new, intense back pain; hormone issues; thyroid problems; periods of depression; low blood pressure – it felt like I was constantly getting knocked down as soon as I’d had gotten back up. The last half of 2012 was largely spent painting, preparing for art festivals, and pimping my calendars (I was going for the alliteration there). Then, since the beginning of this year, I’ve been caught up with my classes. I’ve been out of college for 5-6 years and am not very studious anyways, but I tried to put everything else aside and make school my main focus. Heck, I can count on just two hands how many times I’ve painted this year. Other than working with a personal trainer three times a week, my exercise program has been bumped to the back burner.
Do these all sound like excuses? Sounds like it to me. I know I can’t always be so hard on myself (we’re all our own worst critic, huh) but it’s tough not to be disappointed in myself. But, with that being said – and before I dwell on that too much and lower my self esteem anymore- I just don’t feel as physically prepared as I was last time. Oh well, because ready or not, here it comes… and it’s gonna hurt.
Really though, despite all that, I’m ready. As ready as I can be. It sucks I’ll have to make new friends because it’s unlikely the same patients/families will be there again at this particular time. Regardless of how awkward I think I am, I’m evidently social and can make friends easily (knock on wood). Then again, if I’m doing both programs simultaneously, I’ll probably be too tired to do much outside of therapy anyways. Although I am determined to go on a few outings that I missed last time, mainly the Aquarium, Ikea, and Lenox Mall.
At this point, however, I’m just taking it day by day and rollin with the punches. I don’t know exactly what to expect over the next few weeks, but I feel pretty confident I will overcome my obstacles.. Despite all odds, I’ve gotten this far, and nothing is gonna hold me back now.
“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place…. Filled with beautiful people.”